Love Until It Hurts

Love is something magical.

When people in love, they would do anything! Anything. They would change everything! Why? Because they are in love. People will translate falling in love as a LOVE itself. But it is not (Read: The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck – for further insight). Love is way beyond that scope.

Have you ever been in a situation when you do not love someone, but you have to help that person? In that scenario, you are the one who is there at that moment (might be wrong for you) to offer help. If you give your help sincerely, then you know what is love.

After I read the collection of private writing by Mother Teresa, Come Be My Light, I was amazed with the scale of her heart. She would do anything to please God, not because she is merely in love – but because she loves God. If she was merely in love with God, she would walk away when God started to keep her in silence (for more than 20 years!). But she stays. She is hurt by the love that she has, toward God and people around her.

Mother Teresa

I am in the position where I have to love others that I do not love. For me, it is hard. Let me spell it for you: H.A.R.D.

Giving my care and attention to someone that I consider as undeserving is not easy. But then, somehow I hear a soft voice in my heart saying that I need to give even more – to teach me how to love sincerely. I did, and yet, the battle inside of me is not yet over, because the help that she needs is still there. She still needs help.

I can choose to quit at all time. That’s the lesson I’ve got from the society – why bother giving to someone that never gave to you. But then again, the image of Mother Teresa at our dining room (yes, a huge paint ordered by my Dad) reminded me of her saying. The paradox of giving and loving until it hurts will eliminate the hurt … and let love remains.

I am not yet there to understand, but I want to give it a try. Now. Today. It might be hard, but I could not find any reference to prove that it is impossible. So, it is hard, but it is possible to do.

Poem: Bleeding Love

It’s been a long while since I wrote a poem. But today, I decided to give myself another go. Hope you all will like it!


I bleed for you, therefore I write this piece

I bleed for you, not because I ask for it

I bleed for you, out of love

Deep inside your heart, you know

Even deeper inside your heart, you feel my love

But somehow, you draw that line

I failed, always did

I could not draw that fine line, and say goodbye

But you did, yes you did

And I bleed on the other side of that line

I cry, but no more tears

I stand still, and it starts bleeding

My heart could not contain it anymore

It must be broken into pieces

In the darkness, I try to pull those pieces together again

Sometimes I wonder, if loving you is a mistake

But I remember that God loves me, with all my wrongs

Therefore I am hoping, you still allow me to love you

Years gone by, and I could not hate you

Replacing the only thing I know about you is impossible

Because it is love

You are love, my love

If now you’re gone, I would let you go

Even if I have to bleed it out

You are love, and still mine

I pray that God would love you even more

And keep you safe on the other side of the line

When you say goodbye

                 When you say goodbye

Past-Valentine Love Stories

It may be a little late to write about my Valentine’s Day, but I am going to write anyway.

This year marks the 4th of knowing my husband. We met on January 2011 and got married on September 2013. But this year is the first time we celebrate Valentine’s Day, well sort of. On the day, I woke up with a cute doll in front of me. I did not know where he hid that or why did he buy that cute doll. When I opened it, I just realized that the doll has recording system. So, there it was, my husband wishing me a lovely Valentine’s Day!

Valentine's Day gift

After I unwrapped the gift, I left to take my morning shower. He did not tell me that he had something else, the real V day gift for me. It was himself being wrapped! You know, when it comes to silly stuff, my husband is the master!

The real V day gift

The real V day gift

But that was not all. Last night, I got another surprise from my best friend’s parents. It was started when they were having their own family time and somehow my name was mentioned by my friend. His father was a sweet, funny and silly old man, whose heart is very sincere. My friend and I used to laugh together when we remember his father. Out of his love for me, he suddenly said to my friend that they (his father and mother) would love to have me as their daughter and love me with their parental love. You know, I was crying when I heard this! Sometimes when the time is rough, you don’t need some extravagant gifts, you only need small action of love from those around you.

I am loved!


An Old Man and His Broken Heart

That day, when I walk home from my work, I saw you.

You were so tiny and fragile. You laid there on the corner of the street, waiting for loving hands to carry you home. I was about to walk past you, pretending that I didn’t see you, little one. But when our eyes met, I had no other choice but to admit that I felt the love between us. I held you home, I put you close to my heart.

Day after day, I saw you grow up. Your tiny feet were getting stronger. Your small paws were getting bigger. And your little tail was not so little anymore. You grew so beautifully. And still, I love you, little one. I knew that you loved me too. I could see it.

The white flowers

The little white flowers

Years after years, you were my companion. Whenever I arrived home, you were the first one that I think about. The food on your plate, the blanket on your little bed when the winds were too cold, and some prayers from my mouth. Sometimes I forgot to even fed myself. But I would never forget you, little one.

My love for you were so real. Even if you ask me now, I will say that I am still loving you.

My heart broke when I saw your body on the corner of our house. On that day, when I arrived home from work. I was walking home, wishing to embrace you and enjoyed our time together. My life is now so different. Empty if I may say. My life has gone when I saw you leave. I could not even say goodbye …


This writing is inspired by a real event. I saw an old man who got his heart break after knowing his beloved daughter was about to leave. He had loved her since the first day he saw her. He would fight the world to share his love for her. His love was even wider and deeper after he had two grandchildren from her. He would really fight the world for them.

Now, his world crumbled. He really has nowhere to go, because he had given his all.

I can only wish that one day he would be able to love again. For others, for his grandchildren. For himself.

Love Story with God

This post is not written by me, but by my anonymous friend. He wants to share his feeling regarding his love to God – and everything in between.


“This is our love story

How I learn to love you

We meet daily

Sometimes at lunch time

Or dinner time

But most of the times I forget you

We have a date every night

Talking how we spend our day

Planning about our tomorrows

But most of the times I am too tired to really pay attention

But for once, I make sure

I come to your house every Sunday

Talking to your mom about stuffs

But most of the times I can’t wait to go home and sleep

This is our love story

Unrequited one

You tell me how much you love me

You wrote a letter to me of your unconditional love

You try to show how many times you forgive me

But others tell me different things

They say you hate me

Is that true?

They think I cheat on you

Do you feel it too?

They told me I am no longer expected at your place

I shall not meet you, nor your mother and even your dad

How come they say I fail you

When you said that I am just as perfect as you wish to be

Now I don’t know who and what to believe

Is it your words

Or them who is close to you?

Oh dear, if you happen to read this

Can you answer my question

“will you forgive me?”

Or make my wish come true

Please say, “I love you”


Love Thyself

It is always easier for us to tell others on what to do. We talk as if we know the best possible advice and what-to-do lists for others. But honestly, most of the time, this method works one-way. Out of the many advice we give to others, we only apply a few of them to ourselves – or even none.

The past few weeks have been hard on me – or at least I thought so. I lost my Grandma, overloaded cases and classes (well, teaching works well for me to replace counseling) and dealing with my own thoughts. I have been thinking too much and without realizing it, I started to feel weak and exhausted.

This morning, I spoke to my best friend and he said that I need to stop it! I need to break my cycle of thinking and quit to be so hard on myself. I am not sure if this trait is in my blood – or did I build it myself. But I know for sure that I have a high level of self-blame, so whenever I ‘fail’ to do things as perfectly as I want, I feel bad. It works not only for big issues or problems, even for the small problems – I will blame myself. I failed to fry the silky tofu as perfectly as it should be, or I failed to cook Balinese chicken as it supposed to be. You know, I can just repeat it in my head.

Life is funny! I talked to so many people in my counseling room and the most given advice I delivered to them is … Love Yourself. I told them to love themselves more, because most of the time their problems rooted from the lack of self-love. It is always easier to analyze others! But now is my time to reflect in front of the mirror and love the person I see on the mirror. Me.

I am writing this post while sipping an iced chocolate on Starbucks Cafe. I haven’t done a proper cafe-ing time alone for so long. I know that I need it today, so I can sit and reflect on what I feel and think at the moment. I need to learn to love myself more, despite my failure in frying the tofu. I am capable of doing a lot more than just grieving over one small mistake.

I will start by reading a book that has been given to me a long time ago on Mindful Therapy. It is important to embrace our present moment and let go off the rest! Easier to say than do so, but I will give it a go – out of love for myself.

I hope you have a good day!

Feeling Unlovable

One occupational hazard of being a psychologist is I tend to observe everything around me – what I heard, what I see and what I read between the lines.

People may express their feelings and emotions in many ways. And the other party also owns their own ways to be reactive.

Today I want to write what I reflect from some observations, especially when someone feels unlovable.

I was doing my hair in a hair salon when I heard a middle age woman who offered her husband to have his lunch. The time was close to 1 pm. She said, “Do you want to have your lunch now?”. To my surprise he answered, “What time is it do you think, Stupid!”. When that woman said that it was close to 1 pm, he finally said yes. He left me speechless – especially when I saw the woman took out his lunch box and prepared it for him.

Or another time when a wife told me that his husband easily gets mad at her and the children. Sometimes the issue is just another daily hassle, but he would not react differently. He would mad at her – as usual.

Or … A husband who gave up his pride as a man when his wife acted as a Commander all around the house. From what to wear, what to eat and how to spend the money. He said that he’s been giving up his free choice and voice to his wife – just for the sake of preserving the marriage.

Sometimes we see young children who are struggling to tell their parents that they love them. Some parents are well aware of the signs given – through letters, cards, hugs or songs. But some others are so ignorant – thinking that their children don’t understand what is love, or the ability to express their love.

I can’t imagine the feeling of the wife or the husband or the children in the story above. The heavy burden of feeling unlovable, when their pure intentions were being fire back with not-so-loveable reactions from their loved ones.

Everyone needs someone else to love them dearly and able to express those feelings in overt ways. When the feelings are not accordance with the overt actions, the ambiguous message will be sent. Love is a feeling that need to be shown, spoken or practiced. It seems easier to express our negative emotions – but we can practice to express our positive feelings as well. To make our closest ones feel lovable.

Let’s love each other loudly!
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65th Wedding Anniversary? Surely A Hardwork!

On my flight to Australia, I read a book by Scott Peck – the well known ‘The Road Less Traveled’. I reached the second big theme, Love. He wrote that love is an act of courage and a hardwork. Love is effortful, unlike falling in love, which is effortless. When the two persons are out of love, what remains is the hardwork to keep the relationship as burning as when they were still in love.During my stay in Australia, slowly the process of ‘love’ welcome me. It was started when I stayed at my best friend’s place. He stayed with his partner who had different family and educational background. They also had opposite personality traits. My best friend is very bubbly, loud and colorful – while his partner is more serious, organized and quiet. Surprisingly, they can get along very well. And for the past 2 years, they never really had a fight, because everything can be handled by discussion and communication.

Then, when I moved out to another friend’s place, I also witness the hardwork of ‘love’. My friend is in relationship with her partner and they support each other positively. She always prepares the good meals for him and he always takes care of her – especially because she’s sick at the moment. Their relationship follow the flow and they never push too much toward each other.

Finally, the closing is today’s lesson. I went for mass at St. Benedict Catholic Church of Perth, WA. Turned out it was a celebration for those who celebrate their wedding anniversary. There were around 15 couples and they were called according to the years of marriage. The last one to be called was a couple who celebrate their 65th wedding anniversary.

Celebrating the 65th wedding anniversary is something rare and not everyone owns the privilege to have the same experience. People will struck by the awe and forget to ask of the ‘strategies’ to have such a long lasting marriage.

I remember one of many strategies applicable about marriage, arrangement of chatting with our partner (in The Road Less Traveled).  Sometimes we don’t feel the urge to communicate, because we don’t know what to talk about. But, remember, without communication, you’re relationship will vanished. Communication is one way of expressing love and surely, it will need a lot of hardwork. Through communication, we can understand each other. Through communication, we can see the unseen from our partners.

Want to hit the 65th anniversary? Embrace the present, enjoy the hardwork and love wholeheartedly.

Enjoy your weekend!
With love from Perth, WA.

Philophobic – What is That?

I found this interesting term last week. I searched through online dictionary the phobia term of being afraid to fall in love, and I found Philophobia (check the complete phobia list on

Philophobia is fear of being in love or fear to fall in love. I think I was a philophobic, a chronic one. I had been through turbulence moments of having failed relationships, being cheated on, being the one who collected the dust of lies and many more. Anyway, I’m not gonna write this painful list any longer, because it’s time to enjoy my moment as being a happy single.

I said previously that I was a philophobic. Am I still one now? Well, I’m in a state of recovering, fast and steady. My experience of being in a serious relationship (at least, that’s what I thought) was a great lesson for me. I learned how to share with my loved one, I learned what it means of giving whole-heartedly and not taking any granted of a relationship. I also learned that windy days and stormy weather always be on the next block. The point is how we, as a couple, can overcome that block of quarelling, fighting and throwing arguments. Sometimes, we’ve made it. Sometimes, we just failed.

This failure can be the main reason of why someone becomes a Philophobic. When we feel that we already give our all and our partner throw that away without any hesitation, we feel useless. For me, that kind of action attacks my confidence and self-worth, right away. I know for sure, that’s the reason why I had that acute Philophobia.

One friend of mine was so intrigued when I put ‘Philophobia’ as my BlackBerry Messenger status. He asked a lot of questions, give me some web links to read, planning to buy me books on philophobia and give me his ultimate advice: ‘Stope being a Philophobic’.

Another friend of mine also asked me about my status. He said, ‘It’s easy, Cicil. Just change your state of mind’. Oh well, I’m one big fan of Cognitive Behavior Therapy, in which the key is to change our cognitive frame in order to change our behavior. Well, the process of therapy is a tough one! So yeah, it is true that I just need to change my state of mind, but -hello- it is a long way, with a hard work (I’m on it).

Anyway, when you are not afraid of falling in love … Enjoy it! Make love with your loved ones ..

Much love, Cicilia.

Writing is my way to share it to you.

Addicted to Love

Too much will kill you (Queen)

Being in love is something awesome and unforgettable. Being in love can help you understand more about that special person. But, being addicted to love is something different. As if being addicted to drug, you may forget your surroundings and just focus into your addiction.

Addiction to love is a form of psychological dependency. It is when you have someone fixed in your mind and make you dysfunctional. It is more into habitual activities and make you unable to avoid it. Let’s say, you are so into calling or messaging someone for a very long time and then suddenly, you have to stop that habits. You will feel so lonely and will not be able to do your daily and social activities normally.


When you have an addiction to love, you are at-risk of having physical sickness. Your body may be unable to bear the load of your psychological states, therefore you may get sick and cause dysfunctional in your activities. It is important to be able to say NO to yourself. When your addiction brings you down, then you have to say, ‘It is enough’.

It is true that life is a process, but … the process should reach an end at one point. When you have an addiction to love, you have say to yourself that you are more than just a sad and pathetic person. You are able to end the grieving process and start a new circle of love life.Being addicted is a choice ….

Being in love is not the same with addicted to love!