I was Fearful and I Enjoyed It

I would say that I am blessed (or lucky) to be in my position. I am where I am with my hard work and support from special people in my inner circle.

However, none of my friends nor family know that I have been holding onto fear for so long. I was always fearful and I believed that it should be the way. Until yesterday, I had had enough. I decided to let it go.

So, what is my fear?

People will see me as someone who’s never struggling with academic achievement. They think and perceive that I am so smart and have no struggle along the way. I remember one time when a very smart nun asked me on my final GPA. I told her that my bachelor GPA was only 3.2 / 4.0. She was surprised because I did not get at least 3.5! I also still remember when I told my ex supervisor that I failed on one subject on my current study – back then. She was surprised and asked the inevitable question: “How could you fail?”

I was a failure. I failed a lot in my life, including my academic achievement.

And I unconsciously decided to hold on to that fear for more than 10 years. I kept all of the records of my failing subjects and negative comments on my shelf. I always hesitate when people read my CV aloud. I always feel inferior and believe that I am unable to achieve high – despite all of my current work.

When I finally decluttered my shelf… I felt relieved big time! I could see the empty space in my shelf and I am happy – more than I can imagine, because I know that the empty shelf is meant for my future achievement to be kept.

Here’s to the future!

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