Irresponsible = Being Responsible?

Holding hands
Holding hands

Different reasons on why people choose to adopt babies may bring different outcomes in their ideal relationship, as parents and children. In many cases of adoption, the adoptive parents think that they have done something good for both party. For the abandoned babies (in many cases), they will get appropriate attention, support and emotional attachment. For the adoptive parents, they can have their own -or likely– babies after a long waiting. Some of adoptive parents do adoption because they feel like doing it, without particular reason, even when they already they their own children. Some feel touched by the previous condition of the babies, so they ought to help.

No matter what reason that may bring, the most important thing is the action taken. I have my own experiences to deal with adopted children. They seem to be different, because people -who know their identity- tend to treat them differently. In Indonesia, many of the adoption are not open adoption, because adoptive parents tend to cut off the history behind. So, when others finally reveal this big secret, they will happily spread it out, as if it is a hot celebrity gossip. They never think on the impact.

Adoptees used to feel rejected by others, because they can feel the sadness of not being chosen by their birthparents. This feeling can bring a bigger problem, especially when adoptees keep on expressing their anger to the adoptive parents.

"Adoptees seldom are able to view their placement into adoption by the
birthparents as anything other than total rejection. Adoptees even at
young ages grasp the concept that to be "chosen" means first that one
was "un-chosen," reinforcing adoptees' lowered self-concept. Society
promulgates the idea that the "good" adoptee is the one who is not
curious and accepts adoption without question. At the other extreme of
the continuum is the "bad" adoptee who is constantly questioning,
thereby creating feelings of rejection in the adoptive parents."


Birthparents also feel the rejection from the society. They usually condemn themselves in a way that they have been irresponsible with their own babies. They feel the lifelong guilt, especially for those mothers who gave up their babies because of economic problems.

This condition really bothers me, because I just heard a friend of mine saying that the act of being irresponsible is a way of being responsible. So, when birthparents gave up their babies and become irresponsible for their babies’ needs, it means that they are being responsible a better good of their babies. They wish that the adoptive parents will provide a better environment, will be able to pay for school fee and will be able to support the babies. Do you think that concept of thinking is true?

I think adoption is never been that simple. It’s a lifelong process of adaptation, of praying and working hard and loving the babies as their own babies. Not just likely.

To close this, I would like to show you an article of a pair of adoptive parents who return their adoptee daughter because they can stand her emotional remoteness, as they said. They really abandoned the baby and never think of the impacts that may hit her. For me, it’s an act of being fully irresponsible.

Being Adopted
Being Adopted

2 thoughts on “Irresponsible = Being Responsible?

  1. You’ve hit it on the nail. Though I cannot say whether that way of thinking is correct, I can tell my story. I don’t know if it helps any with your post but it might.

    I gave my daughter up for adoption to my sister in law so that she may be able to take care of her properly as I had sever depression and could not bring myself to get out of bed. I hoped to give her a life where she could feel normal and not be impacted by my own irrational fears. However, no matter how much I remind myself that I did it for her. I still feel completely grieved that I had not done right by her. I see her happily enjoying life and know I did the right thing. But I still feel I messed up in a way that can never be fixed. I cannot say whether others feel the same way, but to me, she could never have been so carefree when I am so mentally unstable.

  2. It’s a two-edge sword. I can’t tell whether that concept of thinking is correct or not. It’s just not wise to put my own thinking cap to others.

    Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that you can hang on to the feeling that you did it right, even though your heart is broken. Sometimes what we did for others will only left us with emptiness. But it won’t stop us from doing good. If your decision makes your daughter lives her life so carefree, then I believe that you did something good.

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