Dear Parents … See What You Made Me Do

One man told me that he has no reasons to stay alive. For him, life is a matter of living one day at a time, waiting to die. Whenever he hops on the plane, he wishes that the plane will crash and he can die. He does not have the bravery to take his own life, because he knows that it will be painful. So he wishes for something to happen and end his life.

Another man is living what it seems to be a normal life. He is working 9 to 5 diligently. He gets married and have two children. His wife is working and independent. However, something ate him from the inside. The wounds came out when he sees his children disobey him. He would scream, beat, almost choking them and ended up crying for all the guilty feelings that he carries.

A young woman came to me. She mentioned that she has been touched by her older brother, family driver and stranger. She does not know what to do and how to seek help. She told her mother and mom just ask her to shrugged it away. She also experience some bangs to her head as she refused to play with her older brother. She is now living a life full of cloud. She hides herself wherever she can. With big clothes, many bags to carry, no make up, online all the time.


 

Those are all the true story of adults who experienced abuses as children.

They may seem to live a normal life, but in many ways, they are not functioning well. Even though physically they grow up and look like adults, deep inside they crave for the love and attention from those they love, mostly parents and family members. The same persons who might do abuses to those innocent souls.

Some abused children may end up keeping the hate and anger to their perpetrators. Some go through a hard way of seeking help and overcome the abuse effects. Some others live a lie where they normalise what the perpetrators did, especially when the abuse was done by parents.

As far as they try to normalise the abusive events, it will not helpful at all. It may give them a fake feeling for being at peace – “at least it does not happen anymore”. Or the thought that “all parents slip through their parenting journey once in a while”.

Dear parents, see what you made your children do to themselves and those around them!

I have been working with a lot of abused children, and every time I see one, my heart breaks. I have been dealing with adults who were being abused as children, they still stuck emotionally as they can’t grow. They refuse to get help, because getting help will make things worse. Getting help means open up to others that their beloved mothers or fathers or siblings did that to them. Too much to handle.

I will write long on the therapeutic journey here. But I just want abusive parents to know that the wounds will never get healed and your action disable your children in many ways. So that you know!

Motherhood: A Personal Note

If you love to visit bookstores, you will see numerous books on parenting, how-to books on children and thousands different wrap on the same topic. It is as if every new parents want to share their personal journey on ‘what and how’ of parenting. Not to mention the experts. Well, it is true that every journey of parenthood is different and there is no way we can compare it to one another. I am now reaching the understanding that there is no such thing as ‘normal parenting’, since in the eyes of every parents, their way is normal. Mostly, that was the way the brought up.

I am a mother of a 3-month-old boy and I am experiencing a journey that I do not want to miss. I want to experience every details of his development and nothing else matters for me right now. Personally, I never thought that I would write this prior his presence, because I was so used to work and had been living my life as a career woman – at least for the past 10 years. But when my role as a mother is here, I can put aside the other roles and put them on hold.

Every day is a new day. As I learn to take care of my son, I also learn more about myself. And that’s the scary part! When I said that I do not want to miss every detail of his development, it may reflects my own separation anxiety toward my son. On the other hand, it also reflects the importance of ‘being there’ for my son. I guess the key is balancing both roles slowly.

Picture is taken from my other blog www.childrencounseling.net

Picture is taken from my other blog http://www.childrencounseling.net

As a way to let go off my own anxiety, I let the dice roll for me. I did not hesitate to follow the dice and yet, I did not push it too much (I used to though!). The result is positive, since I will add two more roles in my career line starting early next year. I purposely let myself ‘trap’ with responsibilities – within limit – so that I can slowly have a healthier separation process with my son.

I am a product of a working mom and I must say that I appreciate my mom more than ever. She was busy taking care of me and my twin brothers, shopping to traditional market every day, cook for the whole house (more than 2 families in the house) and went to the shops that owned by my dad. I could not imagine the juggling game that she played.

And now, as I am standing here, I can say to myself that it is a new journey for me. It means that I need to let it roll a bit and see how it goes from there. Learning new roles and skills take time – and that’s all I need. And finally, learning is a process in itself. It is not about achieving certain point or numbers, but to keep up with the process and learn a lot more along the way.

Keep it up, mothers!

Prayer for Stanley

Stanley is a son of my old best friend. He just turned two a few months ago and I used to know him as an active little boy. Unfortunately, he is now in a sick condition.

Last Wednesday night, his parents just realised that Stan got blurry eyes, in which he failed to point to his Dad’s bike, he failed to pick two pieces of jelly and he also failed to choose a picture of a cat. Then on Thursday morning, he couldn’t see totally!

Due to traditional rituals that his Dad believe in, they extended the trip from Samarinda to Surabaya. So, Stan just came to Surabaya on Saturday evening and went to the eyes hospital straight away. The doctor suspected that there was something more than just vision problems. His pupils were in good shapes. So, the doctor suggested Stan to be hospitalised and checked by a specialist.

He went through medical check-up, including MRI. The result showed that he had a tumour inside his skull and it is pressing the eyes nervous system, therefore he can’t see at all.

He had his operation on Monday, July 26 for 5 hours. I visited him again today at ICU. He was in a good shape, except for the bandage all over his head, wires all over his body and he still hasn’t get his vision back.

We are praying for a miracle, in which he can recover from his sickness, he can regain his vision and his tumour stops spreading. God will be done upon you, baby Stan! Be blessed … Play around

Play around

Writing is my way to share it to you.

How I Miss My Dad

I just watched an episode of “Parenthood” at Star World. It is a new serial drama which tells stories of Braverman family and the conflicts inside their family. The focus is especially at the parenting issues and how parenthood is one of the toughest work ever.

In this week episode (June 30), there is a scene in which Adam Braverman caught his daughter, Haley, was having a-facebook-official boyfriend. He was so panic and unconsciously, became over protective. He grounded his daughter and took away her cell phone.

That scene reminded me of my Dad. He used to be very hard on me, with his discipline and rules all over me. He taught me to be independent and able to do my own stuff. He wants me to do my work with minimal assistance. I used to hate his way of teaching me, because as a kid it was a torture. I thought to myself, there are no other children ever do their own work by themselves, beside me. Dad never let me got help …

But … When I grew up and stayed in Australia, I realized how big the impact of his teaching to me. I knew what to do and how to be independent. I was having no difficulties to stand up by myself and face the new situation. I remember I’ve sent a birthday card to my Dad back then. The card was full with my appreciation for his hard work and his discipline on me. Because by then, I knew that I was loved by him!

Back to the movie. On the last scene, I saw Adam’s daughter came home with her boyfriend. She wanted to introduce him to the Bravermans. It was a good scene, in which the whole family was frozen and expecting Adam’s reaction. I couldn’t help thinking of what did my Dad feel when he saw my (ex) boyfriends. One thing I know for sure, my Dad told my a family that I’m his ultimate pearl in his life. When he said that, surely I had tears. I was crying because I felt loved by him.

When a Dad finds out that his daughter is dating, he will use his lizard brain, because he doesn’t know what to do. He is so afraid of losing his daughter (Adam’s wife to their daughter)…

I miss you, Dad!

Writing is my way to share it to you.

Children Under Threats

‘Don’t you play under the curtain, the spider might come and bite you!’

‘Stop running around when I said! You are naughty and never listen to Mommy’

‘You better listen to me, or Jesus will punish you!’

Do you familiar with that sentences? It could be part of you when you were growing up, or it could be part of how you rear your children. Young children are well-known with their unstoppable behaviors, uncontrolled talking session and crying moments. But that’s just how they grow, those moments are part of their being in the state of being children. My niece, 22-month-old, is one perfect example of an active toddler. She loves to dash whenever she hears the door bell rings, because she wants to be the first to open the lock (we lock the gate in Indonesia). We have to run faster the she does for many times in a day. She also loves to running around while playing, bring her books, trolley full of fruits and vegetables or just to show off her new clothes.

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As an aunty, beside that I’m doing child clinical psychology, I embrace those moments of growing up very much. I learn that every moment of her development is something precious and it will never come back in your eyes to see. That every moment is a once-in-a-lifetime moment. I believe that every child has a right to grow up with no fear, with no threats surrounding her.

Threats are common in our surroundings, and sometimes it happens under our roof. It may be started with small, but frequently delivered, such as: spider will bite you if you keep on hiding under the curtain. And it usually gets bigger, such as: Jesus will punish you if you don’t listen to me!

Oh, come on … what do they know of being punished by their loving God? All they know is doing what they think is fun and make them happy! My niece loves to play with my hair and sometimes put them into her mouth. She’d say, ‘It’s nice!’. I’d respond, ‘That it’s not good to put hair into your mouth, because it may be dirty and can make you have stomachache’. Simple and understandable. Well, children do not need lies. They just need a good facilitator to let them learn and discover by themselves.

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Other than threatened children with such false statements, parents also easily slip into physical punishment, such as spanking. Spanking is not necessarily the only way to punish your children physically. It may be done when the children are out of lines seriously, as a way to warn them that some rules are to be followed. But in some cases, parents use this method as the only way to help them deal with their children.

Spanking and verbal threats will show their effects days later. They may seem work on your children now, but you will pay the consequences later on. Your children may grow more uncontrollable, ignored you and even ignored the rules. They will learn the patterns you used, so they know that spanking and verbal threats are the only weapons you have. Beside that, for some children, being threatened that way will bring them down. They may grow as shy and have low self-confident, because they have concepts in their head that they would do everything wrong and their parents will hate the results whatsoever.

It’s in your hands, parents!

Way to go …