Oh Well, Relationship!

I always believe that as a psychologist I own the honor to learn many factual things about others – while I am doing my work. Since this is Friday night, let we discuss something light – relationship. I am inspired by many cases that I have found on site – abusive relationship, gay relationship, cheating on partners and many more.

Abusive Relationships

I have a few clients who come for counseling because they have been living in an abusive relationship for years. The first one who usually come and asks for help is the victim – mostly women. One women came to see me and told me her stories. She was married to a rich husband – a businessman. They have been married for more than 15 years and the cycle of abusive relationship have been started early on their marriage life. The trigger was usually small stuff and as a snow ball, it gets with bigger every year goes by. Another woman also came and shared her marriage life – in which she had experienced 20 years of verbal, emotional and physical abuse from her husband. Both women caught my attention because they have many children during those years of being abused by her husband.

Their husbands represent the common profile of abusers – showing off their ‘power’ upon their wives and/or children – by throwing any verbal put-downs or literally, using any stuffs around them; crying or begging for forgiveness once they have done with their abusive behaviors; buying gifts or sending ‘the air of love’ and the cycle will start all over again.

Sometimes, this abusive relationship was worsened by the presence of a third party. Oh well, relationship …

Beside the wives as victims in many abusive relationships, we have to pay attention to the children in those families. They might ‘get used’ to it, but they might never be able to get over it. Sons will believe that abusive relationship is acceptable and he will do the same cycle to his own wife later on. Daughters might be attracted to the same type of men, just like her old man. The need of cutting off the cycle of abusive relationship in the future generations can be the reason to strengthen the victims/wives to get out from such abusive relationship.

Asking the wives to get out from such relationship is not an easy work, especially when they depend on the husbands – economically, in decision making or any other aspects. They also feel sad and pity toward their husbands – “where he will stay if I leave him, will he be alright after I leave him”.

Gay Relationship

I also have a gay couple who come for counseling. I thought the process of counseling would be different compare to heterosexual couple, but I found out that they also face the same problems. There is no difference between homosexual or heterosexual relationships – skip the gender.

The issue of having affair, cheating on their partners, addiction to porn or being obsessed with certain body figure are some of the many stories behind gay relationships. For me as a psychologist, this is a chance for me to learn from their stories and at the same time, help them objectively.

It is important to look inside ourselves as psychologist, counselor or minister of where we stand – our stand point. It is a no to mixed between religion with professional point of view while helping homosexual cases. If we can differ our point of view, then we can help them to help themselves. But if we choose to stand on religion/faith over professionalism, then it is hard to support such clients – because all we can see is sin and the sinner.

Cheating

Believe me – no matter what religion, skin colors, occupations, level of education/SES – everyone has the same chance to cheat on their partners. They difference is laying on the action taken, once the temptation comes. I’ve seen doctor, church people, businessman, jobless man and many more – who admit or caught that they have affairs with others who are not their partners.

Most of them believe that their affairs were purely physical, only sexual experiences and no feeling upon it. But who knows? Most of all, by cheating – they definitely hurt someone else and crush their feelings into bits.

Oh well, relationships …

Why don’t you share your stories with me?

Kissing You in Public

Few days ago I hang out with a friend. We talked a lot about daily stuff and suddenly he looked down to his feet. I knew that something was wrong. So, I asked him to tell me what’s on his mind. He said, ‘Cicil, I’m going to say something to you. But I know that you will be so mad at me, because we’ve done something stupid’.

Within second, I knew it was about him and his partner …

Then he continued, ‘We were kissing so passionately in the car. At the parking lot. Just before we got home’.

I replied in perplexed expression ‘Okay, then?’ (Because I thought it was just a kiss in his car – which is not so public)

He said, ‘Then I guess we made someone had a heart attack! Because there was this driver inside the car that parked in front of my car!!! This driver was falling asleep, but when he saw us kissing, he jumped out his seat!’

All I could say was, ‘Reckless’.

Yes, it was a true story of kissing someone in public area. You might wondering, what so wow about kissing someone that you love? In this case, my friend is a gay, so he kissed another man, his partner. That might be the wow-ness for the driver who watched that kissing scene.

Sometimes I wonder why we tend to stare at couples who are acting too much in public area? Meanwhile, the definition of being ‘too much’ is very personal and vary for everyone. We rarely see people kissing at the park, in the swimming pool or while they sitting on a bench enjoying the moonlight. Well, it happened because Indonesia is a well-known Eastern country that still hold on to norm and values, therefore we can’t be too affectionate in public. Or else you’ll go to jail for pornography actions … At least, that’s the explanation that we’ve got throughout school years – moral education subject.

I will close this reflection with a question: is it wrong to kiss someone that you love in public?

Have a good weekend, everyone!

Writing is my way to share it to you.