When You Get Depressed

I just had lunch with my friend from Sydney. She’s having her break in Indonesia and now is carrying her first child. She came with her mom and decided to do some baby stuff shopping.

During shopping, we talked a lot, trying to fill the gap when we were separated. After heading north and down to south, I told her that I had those depressed period, sometimes ago. Her first reaction was, ‘Seriously? Did you ever get depressed? What happen to you when you get depressed?’

She was not the first person who ask me the same question. Sometimes, when I look into the mirror, I wonder to myself, do I look like a clown? Because no one ever believe me that I’m just a normal person, who can shed a tear or get angry when things going out of control.

Years ago, someone said to me: ‘Your life seems cheerful and you’re only facing small problems’. And then he turned out to be the person who gave me one of my biggest problems in my whole life. Thanks to him, because if he was right, that my life was easy, he finally got me into trouble and the process, shaped me in such a wonderful way.

A brother from one monastery, who happened to be my friend, also told me the same thing. He never thought that I am such a person who ever shed tears or get depressed.

When I ask my best friend, why do people said things like that to me, he told me that ‘what-so-called as being happy all the time’ is my blessing. Only a few people in my inner circle who really understand what’s going on in my life. These few people can’t be classified as: others, because they have deep impact in my life, and vice versa.

Oh by the way, my friend from Sydney also ask me, ‘What happen to you when you get depressed? What did you do?’ I guess I’m just like others when they get depressed. Cry a bit, expressing anger here and there, and finally stand up and close the book, because I have to face a new life with new steps.

You may get depressed. Everyone has a right to get depressed, but the next step is different for everyone. Some people choose to look down at themselves ad enjoying the period of being sad and feeling empty, so they can get sympathy from others. Some are just tired to keep themselves in that dark hole, so they are trying hard to get out and enjoying the sunshine.

Which one is your choice when you get depressed?

Writing is my way to share it to you.

The Dead Clock

I saw at my wall clock and I found out that the batteries were empty, so the arms were not moving. Yes, it was a dead clock.

That dead clock reminds me of a 42-year-old woman whom I know from long time ago. She had gone through hard times when she was a child. Her parents bankrupt and they had to leave Taiwan and move to another country. She had to adjust to her new life in a new environment. And at that time, she did pretty well.

The problems came when her family found out that she was not able to forget and forgive all the memories that had been past. She could remember all the tiny details on certain events, in which something happened to her/her family. She would be able to retell the stories, including the date, time, the surroundings or the after events … all in details. She had that vivid pictures of those happenings in her life. And that’s a problem…

Now, she still retell the stories that had happened more than 30 years ago. Like this one story about an incident in 1976, in which her friend (her parents’ son) was accidentally broke one of her toys. Her mom threw that broken toy straightaway, because she thought that the broken toy was useless. But this girl was upset with her mom’s decision. She still had that hatred toward her mom until now. The most interesting action was taken by her last 2008, when she bought the same toy, broke the toy herself, took a picture of that broken toy … and at last sent that picture to her parents’ friend in Taiwan! Even after 32 years of living her life, she was not willing to let it go, to let a boy go without giving him a punishment, by sending the fake evident to his parents.

When I heard that story from her, I was frozen! I did not know what to do. So, I asked her whether she got reply from her friend’s parents, and she said No. Then I asked one more question, whether she felt embarassed of doing so, because it had happened 32 years ago and the incident was just a small action done by a young boy. She said that she did not feel embarassed by what she had done, because for her the most important thing is the satisfaction of telling that boy’s parents of what he had done. I don’t think she has the understanding regarding time frame in this life …

Life itself is a moving wheel. It will never stop and always bring us ups and downs. This woman had chosen a path in which she is staying still with her memories and her hatred toward others who hurt her. She would not be able to forgive those people, unless they could bring back everything that she had lost… she said that to me hundred times.

If only someone would be able to replace the batteries inside of her, just like I did with my clock… maybe she would be able to think forward and do something better for her future.