Love Story with God

This post is not written by me, but by my anonymous friend. He wants to share his feeling regarding his love to God – and everything in between.

—-

“This is our love story

How I learn to love you

We meet daily

Sometimes at lunch time

Or dinner time

But most of the times I forget you

We have a date every night

Talking how we spend our day

Planning about our tomorrows

But most of the times I am too tired to really pay attention

But for once, I make sure

I come to your house every Sunday

Talking to your mom about stuffs

But most of the times I can’t wait to go home and sleep

This is our love story

Unrequited one

You tell me how much you love me

You wrote a letter to me of your unconditional love

You try to show how many times you forgive me

But others tell me different things

They say you hate me

Is that true?

They think I cheat on you

Do you feel it too?

They told me I am no longer expected at your place

I shall not meet you, nor your mother and even your dad

How come they say I fail you

When you said that I am just as perfect as you wish to be

Now I don’t know who and what to believe

Is it your words

Or them who is close to you?

Oh dear, if you happen to read this

Can you answer my question

“will you forgive me?”

Or make my wish come true

Please say, “I love you”

—-

Lead Us Not Into Temptation

Society teaches us to behave in certain ways – the way we dress up on every new fashion year, the place we hang out, the food we put on Instagram and alot more. There’s no written rules in the society, but it is there for us to observe and adjust – as they hope so.

Some people are so proud to be called the socialite, with their brand new bags and high end shoes, with the latest stories of their holiday abroad and the luxurious 5-star accommodation. You know, they are so obvious to be seen by others. They are everywhere.

What about the rest who are not socialite? We still own the rights to live our own ways and define ourselves differently. Not to be different than others, but to be comfortable with yourself. People may throw you with critics on how you dress up or how you should laugh properly, but put the filter on. You don’t have to listen and adapt everything that others throw at you. One day, you will end up regretting the lost self of you.

Comparing yourself to others will never do you good – unless you see the competition as a way to achieve or perform higher. But endless comparison will only drive you to the end of living your life, because then, you would want to live someone else’s life.

It is hard to avoid the temptations of the society, but it is even harder to lose yourself in the midst of the society. Be yourself. Be you. And be proud of what you can do, of your achievement, of your dreams and how you can work to make your dreams come true. Be proud of how God created you perfectly.

Have a good day!

With The Eyes of Faith

As a human being, I tend to see by sight and not by faith – even though I’ve got that verse years ago. When the days are bright and the nights are clear, I can surely see things with my faith. But when stormy days await, I become impatient and decide to use my own goggles of understanding. Mostly, it will end in a way that I would want to avoid. Lesson learned (and need to be hung right in front of my hippocampus)!

This 3rd week of 2015 is truly a start for me and my family. My mom undergo a surgery two days ago to remove her womb due to some internal problem. Then on the same day, my sister-in-law was hospitalized due to typhus and diarrhea. And today, I had to deliver my niece to the ER because she couldn’t take any food or water in since yesterday.

I already take a lot time to wipe my sweat and move forward these days.

If I ask God what is His plan for us, most likely He will stay quiet. He does that because He wants us to believe in His plan – no matter what is that. Trust me, I stop looking for explanation and just pray. It helps.

Maybe the answer was blurted by my Dad earlier today. He said, it is enough for one year. I guess he’s right. I guess this is enough.

And I believe that God is listening to our prayers. I have faith.

The Power of The Dream

It is the 12th day of 2015 and I’ve been using my brain to think too much. One condition that got me to a lot of places, and also to a lot of down moment. But hey, I’d rather see that as my blessing, because I won’t do reckless stuff or let myself into danger without any consideration.

What do I think the most lately? My dream. I’ve been having this dream for almost as long as I can remember. To live abroad and see the great life that this world offer. I remember when I was a little girl, I would sat in front of the only national channel and read aloud the credits of every western movies or shows. I told myself that English shall be my second language. And it is now.

I had the taste of living in Australia for a year and until now, it was the best year ever in my life. But, it was only a preview. For some reasons, I had to go back to Indonesia and be with my family. During good days, I can’t stop being grateful for this chance – of meeting my boyfriend (husband now), of seeing my niece and nephew grow up, to be with my parents when our family gone through the hardness of life and simply being with my friends. But during stormy days, I would blame myself because I didn’t pursue my dream a little harder 11 years ago. I imagined what if I pushed my Dad a little hard 11 years ago to let me continue my Masters in Australia? I might get my PR by now, living and working there, and most probably, I had my moments of traveling to European countries. None of those are in my hands now.

I’m blessed because I’m surrounded by good people, who always remind me that I don’t have to give up on my dreams and goals. But at the same time, I also have to let God shaped me through His delayed promises. Yesterday, I got my a-ha moment when I stumbled into one quote on Instagram (by @cgi_loveee). Picture is below. It reminded me that I don’t have to change my goals, I only have to adjust my plans every now and then – in order to get closer to the goal of my life.

I also remember one moment on 2007 when I met one mentor in our Catholic group. He used to be our mentor back in Australia. He said to me that I will be back to Australia and live there, after I’ve done my homework in Indonesia. And for these past years, I hold on to that one prophecy. But it means that I have to be an optimistic person and faithful to His promise.

Until when? Ask the Big Guy that question. I bet He won’t answer. He will only show it to you and me.

And to close this, I’d like to share the first part of Celine Dion’s song “The Power of The Dream”

“Deep within each heart
 There lies a magic spark
 That lights the fire of our imagination
 And since the dawn of man
 The strength of just ‘I can’
 Has brought together people of all nations

 There’s nothin’ ordinary in the living of each day
 There’s a special part everyone of us will play”

 

The Love of January

I am turning 34 today and I could not say how grateful I am with all the love and attention from my family and friends all around. I charge my phone three times today and I declare myself as a gadget addict, because I would use all my time to read and reply message (FB, messenger, text). That’s how much they care about me. I wish I could do the same thing for all of them as well – to pray on their birthday and wishing them the best blessing of God.

Despite my circumstances and how bad I am when I nag, there are a lot of people who really care and love me as who I am. I also wish that I could treat them the same way too. One of my resolutions of 2015 is to connect more to people. I have to stop being too busy to meet up with my friends and catching up with them. Some of my friends called me ‘Minister’ or ‘Super Busy Woman’ or worse, ‘The one who’s never home’! I did not really that busy! You should see others with the real packed schedules, But I have to admit, I need to share more love to those around me this year. Busy schedule is an option and I am choosing to set aside some times for others.

My husband also gave me a new wallet – he knew the wrecked of my Harper & Smith wallet. Thanks, B! Even though he is not the type who would surprise me, I really appreciate his effort to find one for me. Well, I need to remember that the gift will not be an annual giving to me. He said that and he underlined that. Oh well …

Since I am full of love today, I want to share the love to you!

May all of you be blessed and be joyful in welcoming 2015! May you have a great journey ahead and love one another.

Forgiveness: An Available Option

During hard times, it seems impossible for us to see the possible outcomes and lessons in the future. We focus our attention to the most effective way of reducing the stress and manage the problems. During this time, other people in your life will play their parts – either as part of problem-solving, or they contribute as the causal.

I heard many times that forgiveness is only for the weak, because they do not have the power to fight back and defend themselves. Forgiveness is not an option for the strong ones. Many people believe this and they choose to put forgiveness as their last choice. As I grew up, I learned that forgiveness is for the strong ones. Those people who can stand up again after every fall and bravely decided that they have to let go off their burden – in the form of anger, revenge, disappointment.

These past few days, I have been reminded on forgiveness again. I was thinking on one person who gave me a real hard time of life. I was angry and hurt, I had to go for personal retreat, counseling and went through the moment of depression. It was really hard for me and I never imagined that another person would do such thing to others. But through the love of my closest ones, I was able to stand up once again. They pray for me, they talk to me, call me and simply being there for me. Time was the answer that I was loved by them and they were sent by God for me.

It took me a few months before I decided that I need to forgive this one person. Once I decided so, it took me three years to really be able to let everything go. I quit asking all the why questions (why me, why now, why why) and accordingly, I quit looking for the reasons behind that hard time. I decided that I can choose my action in the future and regarding his actions, I have no rights to know.

Cathedral Church of Manado - Jan 2013

Cathedral Church of Manado – Jan 2013

As I am standing here today, I would ask for a chance to tell that person that he has taught me the best lesson of life. He taught me that I can choose forgiveness when I am hurt. He taught me that believing in God has to be seen through behaviors and characters. He taught me that those people who really love you, would never walk away from you. He also taught me the lesson of loving the flaws of life – in me, my spouse, my family and friends. There is no such thing as perfection – it is only the illusion of perfection. He was that illusion. And I am having my real life here with me now. Thanks to those lessons!

Forgiveness is a choice that we can always take. It is for you – not for those who hurt you. Forgiveness does not say that what others do to us is acceptable, but it says that we can always choose to make them no longer painful or hurtful for us. We can carry on, without those burden in us. Choose forgiveness and be free.

Butterfly in The Stomach

Normal life is something that most people want to embrace. Women would say that they prefer to have a normal life with a normal husband and normal children. Men would say that they prefer a normal working life with normal colleagues and normal salary. The thing is how we can define normality in life? Your point of view will be different than mine – on normality.

Whenever we feel ‘butterfly in the stomach’, we tend to dismiss the feeling by any means. Sometimes we just ignore it and wishing for it to go away, some other time we distract our attention to something else. We just do not want to be bothered by those uneasy feelings. We just want to feel normal – like any other people who have ‘normal life’.

Super cloudy morning sky - Bali Aug 2013

Super cloudy morning sky – Bali Aug 2013

Yes, we do need orders in life, to maintain stability and provide safety to younger children. But, we also need some surprises and uneasy feelings during our journey – why? Because surprises will bring different colors to our sky and uneasiness will work as a reminder that we need to change our life direction, or simply take a U-turn.

When I was younger, I thought a normal life was defined with fixed working hours, expected events to come, patiently doing the same thing for many years and able to save at certain amount of money every month. I thought normalcy was defined with age and the ability to achieve something at that age. But I grew up and I am standing where I am today. I learned to understand that life is not always defined by certainty and fixed ratio on everything. Life is normal when we can accept our life as what it is – with all the uneasy feelings and unexpected journeys. We trip, we fall, we rise up and we learn our lessons. We tried and failed, we climbed and lost. But we are stronger each time. My life is a normal life – to my term, and your life is normal – to your term. (PS: I am not writing in the scope of any psychological disorders).

It is not as easy as I write it. I am struggling every day, especially with my own self – the one who easily blame herself. I am having a normal life – with all the ups and downs, the lessons learned, the flaws inside of me. It is all normal and I am living my life to the fullest.

At last, this piece is coming to its end. It was started with ‘butterfly in the stomach’ to write something tonight.

Drama in The Morning

I hate drama movie, novel with drama or anything related to drama. Do not mention Korean drama to me, I won’t have appetite to even hear what you say. Sarcastic?

As in drama, this morning I had an unusual morning routine. My head told me that I have to finish some paper works (exam papers, slide for my classes, reports) before I meet my client later on today. But somehow when I had my toast and tea ready for breakfast, I decided to watch the DVD of “The Fault in Our Stars”. Yes, what a dramatic start to my day.

At the end of the movie, I shed tears. I cried and turned on my laptop.

Before I got married, I asked my Mom on why people have to be with someone in life. My question was rooted from my fear of losing my loved ones. What’s the point of loving and living with someone whom we might lose in the next years? What’s the point of being hurt and left alone? My Mom said that we have to embrace the years of life – the togetherness, because that’s all we can do. Death is out of our hands. Drama it is … God’s plan, His drama.

The closing of that movie really gave me the answer, that the time of being together with the one we love is actually the moment that everyone should cherish, the moment to be grateful for. I learned this hard lesson when I lost my Grandma a few weeks ago. I learned to let it go, when God called her home. Yes, she is home. It was hard on me, I cried a lot, but at the same time – I believe my Grandma felt my tears as tears of love and she could finally saw it from up above.

Enough for drama this morning, I need to get back to work. I guess, I can handle a little drama every now and then – but please, no Korean drama.

Love Thyself

It is always easier for us to tell others on what to do. We talk as if we know the best possible advice and what-to-do lists for others. But honestly, most of the time, this method works one-way. Out of the many advice we give to others, we only apply a few of them to ourselves – or even none.

The past few weeks have been hard on me – or at least I thought so. I lost my Grandma, overloaded cases and classes (well, teaching works well for me to replace counseling) and dealing with my own thoughts. I have been thinking too much and without realizing it, I started to feel weak and exhausted.

This morning, I spoke to my best friend and he said that I need to stop it! I need to break my cycle of thinking and quit to be so hard on myself. I am not sure if this trait is in my blood – or did I build it myself. But I know for sure that I have a high level of self-blame, so whenever I ‘fail’ to do things as perfectly as I want, I feel bad. It works not only for big issues or problems, even for the small problems – I will blame myself. I failed to fry the silky tofu as perfectly as it should be, or I failed to cook Balinese chicken as it supposed to be. You know, I can just repeat it in my head.

Life is funny! I talked to so many people in my counseling room and the most given advice I delivered to them is … Love Yourself. I told them to love themselves more, because most of the time their problems rooted from the lack of self-love. It is always easier to analyze others! But now is my time to reflect in front of the mirror and love the person I see on the mirror. Me.

I am writing this post while sipping an iced chocolate on Starbucks Cafe. I haven’t done a proper cafe-ing time alone for so long. I know that I need it today, so I can sit and reflect on what I feel and think at the moment. I need to learn to love myself more, despite my failure in frying the tofu. I am capable of doing a lot more than just grieving over one small mistake.

I will start by reading a book that has been given to me a long time ago on Mindful Therapy. It is important to embrace our present moment and let go off the rest! Easier to say than do so, but I will give it a go – out of love for myself.

I hope you have a good day!

Wild Mind

Have you experience the inability to control your mind? As if it has its own gas pedal and brake – and we just see everything in movie frame. Ability to think, analyze and reflect is one blessing for human being. But it also brings its own flaws. Our mind is the strongest sense among others and the sharpest weapon of all.

These past few days, I experienced the wildness of my mind. I know the symptoms all too well. Whenever I feel awake at night and decided to do some work, instead of sleeping, then it is a strong signal. My mind is powering up at night and compromise my need to be in bed early. I slept at around 12 or 1am and woke up at 5.30 every morning – because I need to prepare breakfast for my husband. Sometimes I also work early, class at 7.30, yoga at 7.00. For some reasons, I didn’t feel tired. I would feel sleepy around noon times, but nothing else. Yes, that’s the sign.

I also started creating scenes and scenarios in my mind. I am imagining the excitement of giving my Dad the latest collection of Queen for his birthday. I am thinking to go for Deustch class. I have a wishful thinking to travel all around Europe in a whole year with my husband and prior to that, one publishing house will pay for everything in return for a travel book from me. Call me a Liz Gilbert wannabe – because I certainly am. I also think the fun feeling of having another job with bigger income – so I can buy a new car and save up a lot more. See, how many things that I can think of and add on in a short period of time.

It is easy to be drowned in our own pace of thinking. It is easy to believe everything that we think in the first place. It is hard to channel out those thoughts into something positive. It is hard to stand up tall with some wisdoms. We need to choose wisely.

 

To add to my thought, I am obsessed with some writing movies. The recent movie that I watch repeatedly is The Words – with Bradley Cooper acted as the young writer who stole a script of another writer. Writing is my saviour when it comes to pour out the content of my mind. Whenever it goes wild, I just write. I have an ongoing project to write daily for a year. It helps me to discipline my behavior, and also my mind. I am aware that every single day I can pour out everything from my mind and keep my balance.

What do you do when your mind go wild?