Oh Well, Relationship!

I always believe that as a psychologist I own the honor to learn many factual things about others – while I am doing my work. Since this is Friday night, let we discuss something light – relationship. I am inspired by many cases that I have found on site – abusive relationship, gay relationship, cheating on partners and many more.

Abusive Relationships

I have a few clients who come for counseling because they have been living in an abusive relationship for years. The first one who usually come and asks for help is the victim – mostly women. One women came to see me and told me her stories. She was married to a rich husband – a businessman. They have been married for more than 15 years and the cycle of abusive relationship have been started early on their marriage life. The trigger was usually small stuff and as a snow ball, it gets with bigger every year goes by. Another woman also came and shared her marriage life – in which she had experienced 20 years of verbal, emotional and physical abuse from her husband. Both women caught my attention because they have many children during those years of being abused by her husband.

Their husbands represent the common profile of abusers – showing off their ‘power’ upon their wives and/or children – by throwing any verbal put-downs or literally, using any stuffs around them; crying or begging for forgiveness once they have done with their abusive behaviors; buying gifts or sending ‘the air of love’ and the cycle will start all over again.

Sometimes, this abusive relationship was worsened by the presence of a third party. Oh well, relationship …

Beside the wives as victims in many abusive relationships, we have to pay attention to the children in those families. They might ‘get used’ to it, but they might never be able to get over it. Sons will believe that abusive relationship is acceptable and he will do the same cycle to his own wife later on. Daughters might be attracted to the same type of men, just like her old man. The need of cutting off the cycle of abusive relationship in the future generations can be the reason to strengthen the victims/wives to get out from such abusive relationship.

Asking the wives to get out from such relationship is not an easy work, especially when they depend on the husbands – economically, in decision making or any other aspects. They also feel sad and pity toward their husbands – “where he will stay if I leave him, will he be alright after I leave him”.

Gay Relationship

I also have a gay couple who come for counseling. I thought the process of counseling would be different compare to heterosexual couple, but I found out that they also face the same problems. There is no difference between homosexual or heterosexual relationships – skip the gender.

The issue of having affair, cheating on their partners, addiction to porn or being obsessed with certain body figure are some of the many stories behind gay relationships. For me as a psychologist, this is a chance for me to learn from their stories and at the same time, help them objectively.

It is important to look inside ourselves as psychologist, counselor or minister of where we stand – our stand point. It is a no to mixed between religion with professional point of view while helping homosexual cases. If we can differ our point of view, then we can help them to help themselves. But if we choose to stand on religion/faith over professionalism, then it is hard to support such clients – because all we can see is sin and the sinner.


Believe me – no matter what religion, skin colors, occupations, level of education/SES – everyone has the same chance to cheat on their partners. They difference is laying on the action taken, once the temptation comes. I’ve seen doctor, church people, businessman, jobless man and many more – who admit or caught that they have affairs with others who are not their partners.

Most of them believe that their affairs were purely physical, only sexual experiences and no feeling upon it. But who knows? Most of all, by cheating – they definitely hurt someone else and crush their feelings into bits.

Oh well, relationships …

Why don’t you share your stories with me?

6 thoughts on “Oh Well, Relationship!

  1. Cil, I’ve just had a Pria Sejati (Catholic) Camp last weekend and thx God i got what u mean..
    well, you’re right as a psychologist u should differ your point of view, but as a believer you can always pray for them too! so they’ll have a fully healing process with you and God..and this will be applied not only to those in gay relationship, but also to the ones who have abusive and cheating relationship! oh, how i want to learn and have formal study in psychology!
    care to share some advice where to take it in Malang? what about on-line course, dear?hehe
    well, keep on writing and share with us (regarding we haven’t meet like in a century!) ^^v

  2. i totally agree with what you say ‘They might ‘get used’ to it, but they might never be able to get over it.’
    many things we’re like that right? we might think we’re okay with it, but the hurt never stops following us until we really deal with it.

    1. It is in our nature, I guess – that sometimes we embrace pain as something worth the embracing, but it is not. Pain is something that can help us grow – only if we decide to let it go, make peace with it and walk forward. Thanks for dropping by – your blog is as what you say: less is more. Well done!

  3. I am concerned about the violence that has become a snowball. In Belgium, there is one mountain snow mountains named Alvin, if it had reached in the fall of the mountain was very dangerous. Phenomenon like this: A single leaf that falls from the mountain top, which leaves it attached to the snow will be rolled into a giant snowball into the foot of the mountain and will hit the village at the foot of the mountain. phenomena that could describe the violence of human life.
    Thus, the error at the beginning of a relationship that is not resolved, which then also error for the error that never resolved will be a snowball that struck many victims. It is certainly very dangerous, chain bondage of sin that must be decided.
    Sure, a psychologist must also cooperate with the clergy and others in helping the client to the problem. Later again, yes, I am working again … sorry, my English messy. Hahahaha ….

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